| I don't understand it, God. Somehow, no matter how hard I try to, I simply can't.
There are three things in life that I wish for right now. They are to be married to the man I love, to be done with school, and to be fully rested. And yet, these are the three hardest things for me to attain and the farthest from my reach.
I set goals, God, and I go for them. They cost me dearly sometimes, but there is always something better to be working for and if I don't work for them, I will never reach them. Why then am I the odd one, the strange one out? I work for everything, God. I work for my relationships; I work to pay for my home, my food, my car, my insurance, my gas, my clothes, my toiletries; I work for my education; I work to make family and friends happy. It never stops, God. The work looms before me eternally...
I've written it out so many times, God. How much I can earn with the jobs I have now and how much I will need to in order to attain the deepest desire of my heart, not having to leave the man you have given me ever again. It's possible, God. With a lot of hard work and perseverance it is, but it's not up to me. I could do it, God. I could provide for us. But that's not the way you planned it. That's not the way you set it all up to be. Why God? Why??
God, I love him more than life, but he has no drive, no intrinsic motivation. He does what is laid before him and that is enough for him. He does work really hard at his schoolwork, God. I know he does, and I admire him for that. That is one area in which I fall short greatly. But God, I know he watches so much TV and so many movies...And it causes me to get so frustrated with him, God! Even though I have no right to be mad at him. I hate it, but I can't help it sometimes. Doesn't he want it to, God? Doesn't he feel the same hole that gapes inside of me every time we separate on weekends or at night?? Apparently not to the extent I do. What does that make me, God? A true doormat?? Probably...But if he really wanted to, he could work harder at job searching, God. I know he's introverted and doesn't like job hunting, but God, who does? I have never once met someone who enjoyed job searching...I hate it! But I do it...Somehow bills have to be paid and I need to grow up. I can't ask him to marry me, and I can't get him a job. That is probably your way of showing me my need for patience and to wait on you, huh, God...I'm not very good at it, am I?
Life isn't easy for me, God. I struggle every day keeping all of my roommates at peace and keeping our place decently organized, as well as making sure all of our bills get paid and everything else gets done. I have to work 6/7 days a week, as well as going to school full-time and then doing homework at night...Trying to fit time to GO see Joel is hard, God, and my body is starting to suffer from the lack of sleep. Maybe it's just a selfish excuse, but it would be so much less stress-free to live in my own apartment, to know I will come home to Joel every night, and to be able to do my homework in peace. No keeping the peace and constantly sorting through girl drama 24/7. No having to schedule time to spend with my man. No having to leave my place or stay up super late in order to find a peaceful place to do my studying. No more random boys showing up for other girls. No more leaving him at night. No more having to fight with his family or mine over holidays or weekends with him. Ultimately, we would come and go together and it wouldn't be a long, complicated decision. No more cooking for just myself. No more people stealing my food or using my makeup and hair products without asking and never replacing them. No more people complaining about my spending time with him over them...I can just feel the weight lifting just thinking about it, God...
Oh, God, give me patience. Give me strength. Give me rest somehow, God. I am so very, very, deeply weary...In body, mind, and heart...Give me wisdom and discernment and a deep passion for you again, Father. I feel so alone in so many ways right now, God. Help me... |
