My_Soul's_HellWhy can't I just believe?
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Name: crystal


Interests: Jesus, peace, forgiveness


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Member Since: 6/10/2006

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Friday, December 10, 2010

I don't understand it, God.  Somehow, no matter how hard I try to, I simply can't.  

 

There are three things in life that I wish for right now.  They are to be married to the man I love, to be done with school, and to be fully rested.  And yet, these are the three hardest things for me to attain and the farthest from my reach.

 

I set goals, God, and I go for them.  They cost me dearly sometimes, but there is always something better to be working for and if I don't work for them, I will never reach them.  Why then am I the odd one, the strange one out?  I work for everything, God.  I work for my relationships; I work to pay for my home, my food, my car, my insurance, my gas, my clothes, my toiletries; I work for my education; I work to make family and friends happy.  It never stops, God.  The work looms before me eternally...

 

I've written it out so many times, God.  How much I can earn with the jobs I have now and how much I will need to in order to attain the deepest desire of my heart, not having to leave the man you have given me ever again.  It's possible, God.  With a lot of hard work and perseverance it is, but it's not up to me.  I could do it, God.  I could provide for us.  But that's not the way you planned it.  That's not the way you set it all up to be.  Why God?  Why??  

 

God, I love him more than life, but he has no drive, no intrinsic motivation.  He does what is laid before him and that is enough for him.  He does work really hard at his schoolwork, God.  I know he does, and I admire him for that.  That is one area in which I fall short greatly.  But God, I know he watches so much TV and so many movies...And it causes me to get so frustrated with him, God!  Even though I have no right to be mad at him.  I hate it, but I can't help it sometimes.  Doesn't he want it to, God?  Doesn't he feel the same hole that gapes inside of me every time we separate on weekends or at night??  Apparently not to the extent I do.  What does that make me, God?  A true doormat??  Probably...But if he really wanted to, he could work harder at job searching, God.  I know he's introverted and doesn't like job hunting, but God, who does?  I have never once met someone who enjoyed job searching...I hate it!  But I do it...Somehow bills have to be paid and I need to grow up.  I can't ask him to marry me, and I can't get him a job.  That is probably your way of showing me my need for patience and to wait on you, huh, God...I'm not very good at it, am I?  

 

Life isn't easy for me, God.  I struggle every day keeping all of my roommates at peace and keeping our place decently organized, as well as making sure all of our bills get paid and everything else gets done.  I have to work 6/7 days a week, as well as going to school full-time and then doing homework at night...Trying to fit time to GO see Joel is hard, God, and my body is starting to suffer from the lack of sleep.  Maybe it's just a selfish excuse, but it would be so much less stress-free to live in my own apartment, to know I will come home to Joel every night, and to be able to do my homework in peace.  No keeping the peace and constantly sorting through girl drama 24/7.  No having to schedule time to spend with my man.  No having to leave my place or stay up super late in order to find a peaceful place to do my studying.  No more random boys showing up for other girls.  No more leaving him at night.  No more having to fight with his family or mine over holidays or weekends with him.  Ultimately, we would come and go together and it wouldn't be a long, complicated decision.  No more cooking for just myself.  No more people stealing my food or using my makeup and hair products without asking and never replacing them.  No more people complaining about my spending time with him over them...I can just feel the weight lifting just thinking about it, God...

 

Oh, God, give me patience.  Give me strength.  Give me rest somehow, God.  I am so very, very, deeply weary...In body, mind, and heart...Give me wisdom and discernment and a deep passion for you again, Father.  I feel so alone in so many ways right now, God.  Help me...


Friday, February 26, 2010



God, I have no hold on him.
He's not mine.

I want him to be, but the reality of it is
he's not.

I disgust myself, God.
I'm so selfish.

All I can think about is what he thinks of me,
that what he thinks defines me.

You define me God.
You define him.

I am not God.
I am not his maker.
I do not own him.

I love him;
I want to make him happy.

But I'm so selfish.
I hate myself.

I only expect the worse.
Never give the benefit of the doubt.

Who is this ugly person within?
Cleanse me, God...Oh, God, purify my heart!

I want to be yours,
to live as yours alone.

I want to love as yours,
to love as you've loved me.

Give me the grace I need to do so
without ever expecting it back.

Give me a selfless heart Father
and help me know how to forgive.

I love him Father;
help me to love him better.

~B


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Uncertain Instability

God, I really blew it again this time.
How do I control this ever-returning need to cower and retaliate in self-defense even without plausible reasons?
I don't believe this is normal, and it's cutting into and hindering my relationships.
It's discouraging my heart, Lord, and yet, I don't have the strength or the knowledge to stop it.

I know it's more than partially my own fault.
I refuse to let you have the fears, the pain, the sin still haunting my battered soul.
Confession doesn't seem adequate; repentance feels insufficient.

Yet to trust you enough to attempt either of these seems foolish.
You who let your people fall.
Where were you when I drew the knife?
Where were you when the blood oozed down?
Where were you when the needle scraped, when the scissors cut?
Where were you when the tears wrenched themselves from my very soul?
Where were you when I tried?
Did you even care?
Could you not see?
You didn't stop me.
I could've run into that bridge.
I could've let my lungs fill with water and fail to breathe again.
It could've been my throat the knife slid through.
Would you have even batted an eye?
But then again, you had already let Grandma die.
And taken Dad away from me.
And watched all hope and life drain from Mom's heart.
You let Cara leave.
You left me all alone to fend for myself in a world of stone.

Why God?
Didn't you care?
Couldn't you see how I lost all hope in people, in life, in you?
I tried.
I tried to trust you.
But the nights were so dark, so cold, so lonely.
And the shadows lived in my room long after Katie was sound asleep.
But the shadows were better than the dreams that swallowed all light.
There were only so many tears to cry.
Eventually, they weren't enough.
You know how this story goes.
I don't want to relive it even in memories.
You can go back there if you want to; I can't follow you there.

I'm weak, God.
I'm scared.
I want to trust you.
I want to repent.
I don't know how to.
Those two things scare me beyond life.
Help me.
Oh, Jesus, please somehow carry me out of this consuming darkness...



Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Grace

Grace,




If you don't exist,






I'm screwed.




Sincerely,
~B


Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Blue and Purple

Blue and purple
In this circle

Slowly they darken
See how they harken

Colors they may be
Insignificant to me

Yet to the world
Not wisely unfurled

So hidden they remain
Ungodly symbols of pain

Somehow oddly fascinating
The natural color tainting

Yet to let this fascination show
Sick, most would think it so

These colors, purples and blues
In this circle many are their hues

Pain, clumsiness, anger that reflect
In the colors one can easily detect

A child in fear and shame encloses
What these circles openly expose

Jagged scars drag down a girl's wrist
Here again the dreary colors enlist

Knuckles cracked and discolored
Reveal a soul somehow marred

Dark blue and purple rings
Under hopeless eyes cling

Deep purple and blue swallow
The cold night sky so hollow

Their purposes so easily misconstrued
The colors before never so viewed

And yet within the circle this is what I see
Purple and blue glare bitterly back at me

Colors once beautiful
Now bleak and pitiful

Purple and blue
Black to my view

~B



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