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My_Soul's_Hell	Why can't I just believe?

my_souls_hell
read my profile sign my guestbook Name: crystal Interests: Jesus, peace, forgiveness Message: message me Member Since: 6/10/2006

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Friday, October 30, 2009

Trust is death. Trust is life.

Trust is unfounded
From pain I have not rebounded

God's punishment I fear
For keeping him so near

I know not what to tell him
My burning eyes again brim

How do I make him see
He means the world to me?

How do I help him understand
How much the past commands?

Love has always been relative
Yet, to it I remain a fugitive

Trust will betray me no more
'Never again,' earnestly I swore

Yet through my carefully crafted walls
He somehow did manage to crawl

To allow him inside was not the plan
Only from the outside my heart to scan

15 months somehow the boundaries dulled
And from my defensive stance I was lulled

And now I hastily scramble
The walls to reassemble

Close to my wounded heart I let him come
Now to the pain, I once again must succumb

Mocking laughter taunts my bleeding ears
As these demons once again reappear

And yet, why so desperately do I struggle
And these conflicting emotions do I juggle?

Christ for me salvation has won
Through Him it is done

My everything to Him I owe
This for certain do I know

So, why love like Him can I not
The man on whom my heart is besot?

Mine is a conditional love
Not like that from above

The mood swings he oft goes through
Leave my tattered heart in confusion to stew

Does he love me, God?

He says he loves me
But how do I make him see

If he is uncomfortable around me now
What makes him think that'll change somehow?

God, I'm so scared
I was so unprepared

Every time he pushes me away
I don't know why I stay

Is he really that ashamed of me?
When he looks at me what does he truly see?

I know I'm strange
Slightly out of range

That's part of who I am though
Is it just my body that he loves so?

Father, what do I do?
How can I pull through?

Please, Lord, most earnestly do I plead
I yearn so deeply his heart to read

Father, you made it ever so clear to me
Together, him and me is how it is to be

Don't let us fall apart Lord
Please don't let him get bored

Show him how amazing of a man you have made him
Help his heart with overwhelming joy in you to brim

Draw him close to your heart
And never from there to depart

Give me patience and grace
Help me to believe in hope again.

Guide me to where you would have me
Oh God, help me to trust wherever that may be

Father, I want more than anything
For the depths of his heart to sing

With your overwhelming love let him overflow
Lord, help him more of your heart to know

Renew my mindset through your word
Help me myself with your armor to gird

Give me your unconditional love
That I may rise above

These tendencies to cower
To let fear regain it's power

Now no more need I be afraid
My life in your hands I have laid

Take my wounded heart and pour
Your love through it's shredded door

Depend on him no longer will I
In you alone to live will I try

Work forgiveness deep in my heart
Help me from these walls of fear to depart

Give me the patience to let him lead
As I wait, supply the comfort I will need

Father, so deeply do I love him.
Yet, I know you love him more.

Help him to find satisfaction in you alone.

And then help him, Oh Lord, to know
Wherever he goes, beside him I'll go

Lord, I love him.

I know that he will fail me
As I will fail him; so it will be

We are human and mistakes we make
But help us with one another never to be fake

Give us patience and strength
Love that knows no length

You are God.
And you are good.

I love you Lord.
I trust you.

I love him.
Help me to trust him.

7:24 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - email it

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Never Forgotten...

Tonight I was asked to go back
Retrieve memories my family seems to lack

Did you really think I could forget
The woman whose life I so long to reflect?

I remember it all like it was yesterday
Only your eyes could sparkle that way

I close my eyes and see you standing there
Hands on hips as your laughter rang through the air

I can still hear dad half-heartedly scolding me,
"Close that door 'til I'm parked, Brittany."

Seat belts fly free and little feet jump to the ground
Young cries of joy through my head still clearly resound

I can feel your loving arms engulf my small frame
Leaping delightedly into them even as you call my name

Your joyous, chortling laugh fills the air like no other can
No one within hearing distance can the smile from their faces ban

The sigh that escapes my lips falls heavily from deep within me
Icy blades of grief still pierce my heart even after these years three

Questions still run rampart through my mind
Why did you go where you had to leave me behind?

My fingers pressed the keys for the first time in a year today
The song that came naturally to them took my breath away

I can still see the pride and love in your eyes
As you turned the pages and they gave their tithes

How Amazing Grace echoed that Easter morning throughout the church
I'd practiced so hard to make your heart with motherly pride and joy lurch

The way you poured your very soul into the notes
Inspired me years of my life to piano to devote

Eleven years of my life playing piano I spent
For six of those years to each recital and concert you went

When I got discouraged and wanted to quit,
The passion for music within me you re-lit

I remember very clearly the day your hands lost their ability to play
I hear clearly the cries of agony that rippled across the lake that day

I can still see the fear fill Dad's eyes
The first time I'd ever seen him cry

The boat lay motionless on the lake for the longest minutes of my life
As we learned of the stroke that broke you and filled our hearts with strife

You never really came back
Not even your laugh remained in tack

Still every weekend when to the nursing home we came up to visit
I prayed that the sparkle in your eyes would once again be re-lit

Even though you weren't completely there
You still praised the songs I'd prepare

Oh and every time how it broke my heart
To see the tears from your quivering eyes depart

Your fingers itched to play those keys
Oh what a hateful and spiteful disease

And two years later what was left of the woman I loved so
Engaged in another battle with an opponent which her body could not overthrow

Just like yesterday, I can see it all
The tears now steadily do fall

Oh that dreadful night
Curled up in misery so tight

The ride to the hospital felt eternal
Mom's attempt to spare details was maternal

I hate hospitals

Dad's face was ashen
Hope was not easy to ration

I remember the fear that gripped me so
When I saw My Aunt Gloria from Colorado

And then the tears of fear fell like a flood
The sobs choked out that so tightly had been held

I hid my face in her shirt
Knowing with death how closely did you flirt

Walking into your hospital corner five minutes later
I almost turned and fled back to the elevator

That wasn't you laying in the sheets
Curbing my gut desire to instantly retreat,

Your normally rosy cheeks were pale
As if the blood to pump had failed

Bruises covered your arms from all the IV's
Behind all the tubes, your face I could barely see

I cannot bear to remember more here
The pain is to my heart still too near

A few days later, you were a bit more stable
Moved to another nursing home you were able

The doctor said you were almost completely unresponsive now
Yet being the fighter you were, you let us know you could hear us somehow

You withstood the pain we all knew ailed you greatly
With a grace possessed not even by those most stately

You were there for a couple precious weeks
Every waking moment with you did we seek

Then one night when we went to leave, I held you and kissed you gently
Promising you that I would be back soon and that with all my heart I loved you

You amazingly struggled valiently to grasp my hand and moaned
Attempting to tell me something; Oh Grandma if only I had known

I tried to calm you and reassured you that I would be back
Oh if only I had been able to see why your voice did crack

I can still feel my dad gently shake me awake before the sun had risen the next day
Looking into his face and seeing his shoulders quake told the words he couldn't say

I never got to say goodbye
I never got to tell you all the reasons why

I loved you more than the world.

You were beautiful inside and out
Your love for your Lord none could doubt

You were gentle and patient
None were as compassionate

You were strong and feisty
And (as your speeding tickets proved) periodically hasty

You were fun and loved to laugh
You adored your other half

My role model you were and will always be
And someday I'll join you joyously

And we'll play duets again for the King
And with all our hearts we'll sing,

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me."

I miss you Grandma.

I love you.

3:27 AM - 6 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Tonight my heart aches
As my body silently quakes

The tears that burn their way
Testify to the price daily I pay

Each little reminder spears
Its vicious fingers deeply here

My faith imperceptibly crumbles
As the pain from so deep rumbles

I wait, trembling and clutching the blanket tighter
My head throbs as this burden get no lighter

Fear reaches out its icy fingers
And its iron grip lingers

Ensnaring my quivering heart
Threatening never to depart

I close my damp eyes and pretend
Just for a moment I let it all end

Maybe if I had never existed
Maybe they would have resisted

Could it be possible
That I'm responsible?

Lips tremble, hands shake
The salty drops never fake

Who am I to be different?
Or wish these nightmares to relent?

Why are you still here?
Don't you see it's queer?

Why can't you see what you deserve?
Why can't you just get up the nerve?

Go and get the one
Who can be your sun

She will be vert smart
She'll have a big heart

She'll keep you on your toes
She'll stand against your foes

She'll laugh with you
She'll always be true

She'll make you smile
Beaming all the while

A great imagination she'll possess
Over no other girl you'll obsess

She'll have unmatched talent
In a challenge, she won't relent

She'll be completely worthy of you
My breaking heart longed to be that for you

To those standards I will never match
Your full heart I could never catch

I love you with the very essence of my being
In my folly, I fell for you never once seeing

How I could never deserve your heart
How could I ever think myself smart?

Move on; don't stay here
To my heart you're too near

It rips every time you smile
And tears with every mile

Just go away you stupid boy
Can't you see how I'll destroy

Every chance you get to win her?
Can't you feel how I cower?

I'm waiting for you to leave
My heart will never let me believe

You could love me forever

Why won't you go?!

Why won't you just leave?!

Why can't you just break my heart so I can get it over with?!?!?!

Can't you understand?!?!

Why can't you see??

I'm a naive idiot.

I don't deserve you.

Relationships never last.

I won't be good for you.

You deserve the best.

Allison or Grace would work.

Sometimes I hate them because they deserve you.

Every time they flirt with you...

Every time they make you smile and laugh completely at ease...

Every time you flirt back without even realizing it...

I wish you would just cut me out and go to them.

They could be what you need.

They could keep you happier.

WHY are you still here?!?!

WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?!?!

JUST GO!!!!

I DON'T WANT THIS!!

I don't want to hurt like my mom did...

I don't want this pain.

Won't you please just let me go and stop breaking my heart??

Please??

It hurts too much.

You'll never hear from me again.

I promise you'll forget I existed.

Just let me go.

WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?!?!?

why?

?

2:57 AM - 6 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Monday, March 31, 2008

Who is this Stranger you have Become

Where are you?

Who is this stranger you have become?

Why do you hide

so thoroughly disguised?

Who is the stranger

behind this familiar face?

Where is the tender soul

that loved life with such a passion?

When did your faith succumb

and your heart so numb become?

What so suddenly did happen

to so deeply bury my friend?

Why have you fallen prey

to those who wish your faith to sway?

Who have you entrusted your heart to

that would from you so much require?

Where did your peace so up and fly

that to reclaim it you will not try?

When did you let your ego

win out against the truth you know?

What now all your joy consumes

that doesn't allow friendships to resume?

Why do you lash out

against those who doub you not?

Who have you suddenly become

to tread on the hearts of some?

Where is the forgiveness and concern

for the hearts of those who called you friend?

When did you form this clique

that now remains so exclusive?

What happened to harden you

against those whom your disdain is not due?

Why are you cutting me down

and pushing me away?

Who is this this insecure boy

hiding behind newly built walls?

Where is my boisterous friend

now proving the past to be pretend?

When did you start selling these lies

to my heart's trusting eyes?

What did I do to make

you put our friendship at stake?

I don't know you anymore.

I don't know this new face you now bear.

I miss you, Gus.

1:55 PM - 11 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Monday, January 07, 2008

What do you do with hurt? What do you do when you can't feel anymore? What happens when nothing repulses or attracts you anymore? What do you do when your heart becomes hard to all things good and fears life so keenly? What happens when you lose everything you finally had gained? What happens when all you want is for it all to end at times and then at others, to try again? How do you forgive yourself for things that you've done that repulse you, move on, and then fall twice as hard the second time around?? What happens when the scars double? When you can't look at yourself in the mirror and not remember how you've fallen because the evidence doesn't lie? How do you cope? How do you survive?

7:17 PM - 28 views - 2 eprops - 2 comments - email it

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